My Gun Culture

Announcement on whether 2010 is Bush's fault delayed

White House spokesperson Charlie Gibbs announced today that a decision on whether 2010 is former President George W. Bush's fault will be delayed, most likely until the end of the coming year.

"The President will be requesting weekly reports from top administration advisors to determine whether 2010 represents a 'systemic failure' or not. While we're pretty sure that 2010 will be blamed on former President Bush, we need to get all the evidence." stated Gibbs. "Who knows, 2010 could be the start of a major economic recovery and we certainly would not want to place blame for that."

In a written statement about the matter, President Obama indicated that, while he does not have all the facts, it appeared that the previous administration 'acted stupidly' regarding 2010. In the same statement, the President indicated that comments from Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano claiming that the 2010 system was 'going to work flawlessly' may have been premature.

"We've inherited unprecedented problems that may result in not only 2010, but 2011 and 2012 being blamed on former President Bush" stated Obama.

Potential Gun Crime Increases 15% in Massachusetts

The number of gun permits surged 15% over the past two years according to The Boston Globe, creating near perfect conditions for increasing the state's criminal population. With the addition of 28,000 Class A firearms permits, commonly called a "license to carry," Massachusetts now has over 224,000 newly minted criminals in training.

Some questioned the connection between gun permit holders and crime. "Do you really think a permit alone qualifies these people as criminals?" asked one citizen. "It takes years of incarceration to learn the tricks of the trade and none of these folks have never seen the inside of the slammer. I think this is really going to bring down the quality level of our average hoodlum."

But police officials generally disagree. "Look, if these people were really law abiding, why would they want to own and carry a gun?" asked Boston Police Captain Patrick O'Malley. "We're just thankful that they are generally docile and easier to arrest. If we have to arrest people anyway, I would much rather that person be an accountant or housewife rather than a gang banger or street thug."

Most agree that the surge in permit activity will yield much needed economic benefits by decreasing criminal unemployment and swelling the ranks of state and county law enforcement.

"We're thrilled about the fresh crop of citizens to rough up." said Harry Callahan, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Office of Public Safety. "We're going to have to hire at least 750 new officers statewide to harass these folks."

Concealed Carry

Ask MGC! What’s an assault weapon?

There's a lot of confusion, misunderstanding, and downright lies about assault weapons, so in true My Gun Culture fashion I hope to clarify this once and for all.

Assault Weapons are sneaky little morphing bastards. They have a unique ability to change their DNA day to day, hour to hour, and news broadcast to news broadcast. Just ask Dan Rather. Usually the cause of the metamorphosis can be traced back to political agenda, but sometimes T.V. personalities can cause shape shifting simply by their spoken word and some creative video editing.

Evidence of the first assault weapon was found at the Tamerza and Midés excavation site in Tunisia. Ancient writings offer evidence that an elitist Cro-Magnon Herald staff reporter filed reports accusing citizen Grog of possession of a rapid fire assault weapon, later to become known as a brick. Evidence suggests that Grog was known to carry two, and sometimes three bricks at a time - which many deemed excessive for sporting purposes. 

During the middle ages, assault weapons became more sophisticated. Henry VIII was known to have, and frequently use, an assault divorce attorney. Across the English Channel, Marie Antoinette was assaulted as a result of her secret possession of several pieces of assault cake. 

Assault weapons continue to be heavily regulated. In most states, Rosie O'Donnell is classified as an assault weapon. Ownership generally requires the buyer to provide proof that they are legally deaf. This is a safety precaution that prevents Assault Rosie owners from going postal as a side effect of continuous exposure to re-runs of The View.

Many United States Marine Corps recruits view their drill instructors as assault weapons until, through the miracle of osmosis, they become assault weapons themselves. Many point to this phenomenon as proof of the redeeming societal value of assault weapons.

The primary differentiator between assault weapons and regular ole’ weapons is that assault weapons are automatic, meaning they are known to automatically commit crimes, scare politicians from California, New York, and Massachusetts, and start third world wars.

As assault weapons have spread throughout the world, they have evolved according to local environments. In the United States, most assault weapons are actually guns, with the exception of Assault Rosie of course. In the United Kingdom, assault weapons have taken the form of bread knives and cricket bats. Similarly, in France, most assault weapons are recognizable as three day old baguettes with a wheel of dried up brie, while Australia has battled proliferation of assault knives, assault swords, and most recently assault laser pointers. 

More questions? Post them at MyGunCulture.com and we'll do our best to answer.

Obama's TelePrompTer Spotted at Shooting Range

Members of a Charleston area shooting range encountered an unexpected sight last weekend when what appeared to be a TelePrompter was seen shooting handguns and various semi-automatic rifles.

 

Nearby shooters became suspicious when they overheard the TelePrompter saying "Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?" Upon hearing this and other obvious movie lines from the Dirty Harry series, nearby shooters decided to investigate, and discovered the TelePrompter.

 

Local resident Bubba "Big Daddy" Dubbelwahd observed the incident. "I was there with my other brother Bubba and his son Bubba, just shootin' at the old hood of my '67 Chevy pickup, and dang it if I didn’t see some TV telespeaker thing down at the end of the line shootin' an AR-15. Heck I didn't even know they were allowed to own guns. Aren’t those things illegal aliens or something? Damn city slickers."

 

When questioned, the TelePrompTer claimed that it worked for National Rifle Association Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre and was simply there to practice some holster and house clearing drills. Nearby shooters were immediately suspicious of this explanation noting that Mr. LaPierre doesn't require a TelePrompter to formulate coherent thoughts during public appearances. When pressed, the TelePrompter confessed to working for President Barak Obama. "Look, I could get in real trouble for this.  My boss isn't real keen on this whole guns and shooting thing, you know? You understand, with all the stress of my job, setting national policy, doing all those speeches and press conferences, keeping the boss from putting his foot in his mouth and all that, I just have to get out here once in a while and burn some mad ammo. Plus, I love the smell of gunpowder in the morning. Can we just keep this between us? I'll try and delay that assault weapons legislation if you can manage to keep this quiet."

 

Local authorities decided that no laws had been broken as the State of South Carolina does not specifically prohibit TelePrompters from owning firearms. President Obama had no comment, as his TelePrompter was still at the range burning up some 5.56mm military surplus ammo.

UK Bans Images of "Scary Things"

Following on the heels a recent ban of images showing guns, the British Advertising Standards Authority has elected to extend the ban to all things deemed "potentially scary."

 

Nigel Giles, spokesperson for the authority offered this explanation. "Gawdon Bennet! We got complaints abaaaht a new advert. OK? Awright geeezzaa! abaaaht what movie 'Wan'ed' starrin' actress Angelina Jolie. Sorted mate. There are scenes ov Jolie firin' pistols an' shotguns in a somewhat butters (sexy) fashion. Lor' luv a duck! scared me ter dearf . Know what I mean?"

 

After Mr. Giles was sedated, senior ASA spokesperson Harbottle Sainsbury clarified the authorities position. "Movie images and pictures of sexy people shooting guns tends to scare the bejeepers out of us Brits.  Plus, Ms. Jolie has really big lips. That's kind of scary too. We decided to get in front of this problem and start outlawing other things that can be perceived as scary. Before they actually scare people that is. Care for some tea?"

 

 While details of what things are considered "scary" are still being worked out, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown offered some examples of what types of images could fall under he ban:

 

• Rosie O'Donnell
• Spiders
• United States Congress Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi
• The movie "Jaws"
• British Comedian Russell Brand
• That big snaky monster baselisk thing that was in Harry Potter
• Actor Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) appearing nude in the play Equus
• That creepy plastic Burger King guy

 

Citizens are encouraged to submit suggestions of other scary things that should be considered in the pending ban legislation.

Message to a mugger...

OK, so this one probably falls into that Urban Legend category - although Snopes.com still has it listed as "undetermined."  Just because it may not be true doesn't mean it can't be funny, so in that spirit, here it is:

Recently published on Craigʼs List
 
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 . 45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

Hat Tip: Greg W.

The Rodent Chronicles: Is waterboarding moral?

OK blogosphere, I need some help. I like to think I have a pretty solid moral compass. For example, I am pretty sure that it's OK to shoot things if they are either inanimate, potential food, or just plain bad. I learned that moral guidepost from the movie "True Lies" where, upon just learning her husband of 15 years is a spy, Jamie Lee Curtis asks him "Have you ever killed anyone?" In true Ahhh-nold fashion, Harry Tasker answers "Yes, but they were all bad."

 

So here's the issue. If you've been following "The Rodent Chronicles" you know of my ongoing battles against a rat that only has 85% of my I.Q. Even with that going against him, he has managed to outwit me thus far. He's managed to make himself comfortable in a hole in my garage ceiling, kind of like Rosie O'Donnell at "All you can eat ribs" night at Sonny's BBQ.

 

And therein lies the problem. Before I can seal the hole, I have to know if he's alone. Or is there a rodent sleeper cell operating in my garage ceiling? Before I act, and possibly trap the entire cell in my ceiling, causing a stink of epic proportions, I have to know if he has co-conspirators.

 

After catching him alive, I looked up the United Nations and Geneva Convention guidelines on prisoner interrogation and followed them to the letter. Being a superior nation - I live upstairs in the actual house after all - I felt compelled to take the high road and adhere to the rules of civilized warfare, even though my opponent wasn't. After repeated uses of the word "pretty please" and enticements of free Animal Crackers, I had made no progress whatever.  This character was tough, and he wasn't talking.

 

It was time to consider desperate measures. The balance of power in my garage was at stake. If I did not uncover critical intel about other rodent cells operating in the area soon, the opportunity for victory might be lost forever.

 

So the question remains - do I resort to waterboarding?

Photo: Llano Estacado

The Longest Day

They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. I know this to be true because it happened to me.

 

About eight years ago, through a cosmic turn of events, I found myself at a shooting range for the very first time. Alone. Outnumbered by the one somewhat overweight and bored looking guy behind the counter. And certainly out of my element. It was The Longest Day.

 

Suddenly, I understood what it felt like to be Dennis Kucinich entering the Presidential primary races - again. And I found myself completely empathizing with John Edwards - coming home from work one fateful day to find a copy of the National Enquirer sitting on the kitchen table. Doom. Armageddon. Sheer hopelessness. All was lost.

 

I was mildly comforted with the knowledge that I did not know a single thing about shooting, although I was pretty sure which end of my gun to point forward. As I was about to fire the shot to be heard around the parking lot, time froze - and my life flashed before my eyes.

 

A gang of hoodlums busted through the door into the range. You could tell they had done this before, because they made it look easy, more like gently opening than busting and breaking, but I knew what they meant. I am not sure if they were Cripps, Bloods, or maybe some of the Latin Kings, but I was pretty sure they were up to no good. I couldn’t see their tats, but they were probably just hidden under their Members Only jackets. They might have been a bunch of yahoos from an anti-government militia for all I knew. Actually, on closer examination, there was only one of them, but he seemed particularly mean. I knew he was looking for trouble and obviously intended to shoot me because… he had a gun. The fact that he was at a shooting range and wearing salmon colored slacks and a LaCoste polo shirt didn’t fool me for one minute. Uh uh.

 

With my remaining seconds on earth, I thought back to what had gotten me into this situation…

 

To be continued.

Smith & Wesson Market Cap Exceeds GDP of Micronesia

Today, Smith & Wesson (SWHC), long time maker of firearms and accessories, has experienced a meteoric rise of its share price over the past six weeks, resulting in a total market capitalization greater than that of the Federated States of Micronesia.

 

"We could not be more pleased with the recent share price growth" said Smith & Wesson CEO Ben Cartwright. "We're up 87% just since the election. We're not growing quite as fast as the list of Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriends, but we're getting darn tootin' close."

 

In related news, Ruger Firearms (RGR) has posted gains of 66% during the same period. Matt Dillon, Executive Vice President of Business Development and Law and Order, notes "That endorsement deal we did with Barak Obama last summer really paid off. We got a fistful of dollars out of that one for dang sure."

 

Not everyone was as pleased with the news. Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff commented that  "The whole business success thing is kind of upsetting. Here we are working really hard to gen up a huge crisis so we can ram our outrageous agenda through Congress, and this kind of good news is just no help at all. Even worse, with all these people buying guns the past few months you would think they didn't trust us."

 

Neither CEO would comment on rumors of a hostile takeover of the Island States.

Be sure to register you guns if you intend to commit a crime

From Scrappleface:

In an effort to reduce gun violence nationwide, Attorney General Eric Holder said today that the Obama administration will reinstate the Clinton-era assault weapons ban that expired in 2004, adding new provisions to make it even more effective at saving lives.
Under the revised rules, people who intend to commit crimes with stolen guns, for example, will first need to register those weapons with the federal government.

"Guns don't kill people," said Mr. Holder, "Unregistered, stolen guns kill people. Once we have a list of all of the guns owned by potential criminals, it will be much easier to track down the origin of a weapon that's been used in a robbery or murder."

The Justice Department plans to open illegal gun registration kiosks in pawn shops, urban parking garages and abandoned buildings in high-profile locations to make the registration process "as easy and painless as possible."

The rest of the story.